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Monday, December 7th, 2009

Time Event
4:13p
KW 4: Maledictions 12:12
Every sundown it is my first waking thought.

And my second waking thought is Maledictions 10:25: “And the dead rose, and began to walk, and hungered.” Because that is me, clockwork wound, bloodward bound, early bird gets the wormy little vein.

I have suspected for some time that there is something broken about me. That Embracing me as she did, in full-blown addiction, when I was stashing a corkboard of gore images under my bed and lurking in unsavory places on the Internet, meeting a woman and playing nurse and patient and needlework games and wearing her blood in a vial and smelling it and drinking it, and contemplating taking it from someone by hook or by crook or by pin or by razor, and plotting out how to go about this, and how to keep Zack from finding out, and biting the hands that fed—that Embracing me during this madness has frozen me in this state of exaggerated thirst.

And last night Penelope—Jennifer—told me her waking ritual is to stare in the mirror until she can face the world. So my ritual is not universal, and thus may be uncommon.

“Sluts and gluttons”, they said. Is there any doubt which one I am?

It is horrible and wrong that my spiritual studies arouse me so often. Maledictions is my pornography. For this I will pay, but in the meantime I feast my eyes. References to blood are the way stations I use as I memorize the Testament. They stick it out so clearly that I recall them almost without effort, leaving only the dry stretches between them to digest painstakingly.

M3:7 And the blood had run across the stones of the forum. 4:5 And the blood ran freely on the barracks floor. 5:3 Until the blood flowed on the dirt and he begged and screamed no more. 6:6 And the blood ran freely over the courtyard, and pooled into the cracks between the stones, and shone in the torchlight, and filled the air with its stench. 7:4 I saw that I loved to make the blood flow freely, and that the sight of blood was more intoxicating than the taste of wine, and that the smell of blood was more pleasurable than the smell of a woman’s crotch. 7:5 I put my hand in the blood I had spilled and raised the hand to my mouth, and tasted it…And it was good. 10:8 Because God had caused my eye to swell up and fill with blood, and my sight was blurred and weak. 10:24 And the blood flowed freely, mixed with water, and ran down the shaft of the blade and onto my hand. 10:26 I raised my hand and wiped my forehead and a drop of blood fell in my eye, and my eye was healed. And I licked the blood from my hand, and it tasted sweet. 11:2 And blood and water flowed out. 11:3 A drop of blood fell upon the soldier’s lips, and he wiped it away with his hand. 11:5 And after tasting Christ’s blood, he thirsted for more. 12:3 And I took the boy by the throat and drank deeply of his blood, and the boy died, and I was strengthened, and I rejoiced. 12:10 Blood burns like the fire. Blood thunders like the storm. 12:11 Blood runs freely and stains the earth through eternity, for we only have the appearance of eternity, but the Blood remains.

12:12 I knew that I must become the master of the Blood or forever be its slave.

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