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Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

Time Event
6:37p
Fox 10: The Fox as Foster Mother
I lost all standing in the city and I lost recognition by the Prince and I slept near Reagan and she was a cannibal and they burned her at the stake and I watched the Chalk Row Regency disappear literally overnight and I told Gabriel I spied on him and I punched Connall because he asked me to and I let him punch me and it was a weak girl punch but I was drunk and I was looking up at the rectangle sky in the alley and there was more vodka inside me than I am tall and then it came out like a fountain and I was in a pool of vodka and I gave up my independence to be someone’s servant again and I got shot and beaten to pieces and spent I don’t know how many nights in syrupy-slow dreams of violence and gun shots and a hundred kine draining me and I woke up with Jo’s blood in my body and I drained my herd and my poor fragile Lenore and knit myself back together and I threw on a gown and mask and had Lenore do my hair and makeup and I drained her again and I danced with Gabriel at a ball and I smelled blood and I tried to sneak a bite on him and I was addicted and I lost my shit and freaked out and told Gabriel I hated him and he was useless and I got a fix from Jo and now I’m lying on Lenore’s bed, writing on this thing, and she’s beside me, pale as toilet bowl, her grey mouth is open, her breath is like rubbing terrycloth together as hard as you can, and it sounds like

hush

shhh

hush

shhh

hush

shhh

hush

shhh

and she only moves her eyeballs because her skin hurts, and when you squeeze her hand, the fingernails stay white and you can hear her heart pattering quick and light as mice feet on linoleum and she’s sweaty and cool at the same time and when she says anything she’s confused and rambles and says Effie I’m hollow all hollow I’m dying.

And there’s a half peeled orange I tried to feed her on the bed between us and a few stray peels here and there and the Kiss Me I’m Elvish mug is on its side between two dune swells of the comforter and the spilled water is dark like an oasis drying.

But I don’t care.

Because I have a childe. I have a real childe, a beautiful childe. She’s dark and strong and tall and her hair shines and she dances in a fighting way, and every feature is where it should be and nothing about her screams WRONG. I don’t have to wait until she gets over her Ugly or learns to live with it. And she’s mine. My baby. I earned her. She hated me at first, she was frightened, didn’t want to touch me, but she came around.

I’m going to keep her until she’s all grown up. I’m going to teach her better than Connall could, better than Malenfant did, and she’ll love me and not want to leave even when it’s her time. And no one will take her away from me, not Connall, not Padma, not anybody. That bitch, Padma, thinks I’m not good enough to raise a Savage, thinks I want too much. Fuck that bitch. If she tries to steal Renata or teaches her even after I said she couldn’t, I’ll mail her to the cultists with a note to Usha saying BON APPETIT.

And Connall. He could have thought before he acted for once in his Reck and then taken his lumps and realized he’d lost his baby and that was that, but he had to cop a tude. He had to bring out his baseball bat and look mean. Maybe if my herd wasn’t drained, and Lenore wasn’t a hollow clay doll sweaty and trembling and barely even making a dent on the bed beside me, I would have tried taking him, or just take the swing. And maybe he didn’t really want to kill me. Maybe he was just going to crack me once on the skull and call it even. But why should I take that risk? Why should I stand for that? When I actually have something to lose and he has nothing? Why should I let anyone act like they have a claim on her, even her sire, who went and lost her?

She’s mine now, and no one’s taking her. Soon, Connall’s going to die, and then nobody can say she’s not truly mine.

Maybe I should never make my own babies. Maybe I should just steal pretty ones every time. I want a Daeva, too. A little Daeva boy. They can be siblings.

Lenore watches me writing. Poor, fragile Lenore, who worked so hard for me. I’m going to stay right here until dawn, and feed her, and help her use the bathroom. I owe her that much.

hush

shhh

hush

shhh

hush

shhh

hush

shhh

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