Fox 3: My Woods Now
This guy in the projects followed me around to mug me or rape me probably, so I ate him. I mean, I didn’t really EAT HIM eat him, but I wasn’t so hungry after we threw down. I think that’s my new favorite way to hunt.
Look at me, I’m a lost little girl. Oh, wherever have I strayed? Where shall I go? I don’t recognize these woods at all, and I’m so absent-minded I don’t even know there’s a wolf on my trail. This dark alley looks pretty scary but maybe it’ll lead to my little cabin in the pasture with my fluffy sheep and my grandpapa to protect me. Is that a wolf behind me? Oh no! Don’t come in here, wolf! Somebody save me! Help! Help!
Also, I’m hungry. You’re just in time, wolf. Except, you’re not the wolf, I am, and you can’t see me because my mangy fur is darker than the projects at night. These are my woods now, and I decide when the strays get supped on. Tonight, it’s you.
Thing is, the projects has slim pickings. My tummy aint all that full. Time to roam the range to another fief in Pappelbon, and see if I can’t get lost and little and all by my lonesome over there.
Here are all the people I’ve met, in order of how important they seem: Pretty Pretty Princess Jo, Kien Zhao (the Big Bad Tiger), Hazel Connor (The Big Bad Bitch), Adrian White (more about that bozo later), Madelene, Warrel, Kyra, Amani, Maxwell, Nathan, and then all the kids: Ryan, Bianca, and Eden. Also I keep hearing about someone named Plum, and she’s supposed to be a landlord, but I think she went beddy-bye because nobody’s seen her in a while.
Let’s start with Jo. I talked about her in my last entry, and that pretty much sums it up. She’s floating high and far away, and we’re all little ants or little clouds that she can’t quite make-out and doesn’t really want to. Maddy says she was angry when she returned from having left the city in Hazel’s hands, but she doesn’t seem angry at all. She has an island somewhere and she wants someone to build a castle on it. A castle! And she was all dreamy when she said it, like, I’m a princess, where’s my castle? I bet she thought I was BSing when I said I could build it, but I could. If it’s as large and elaborate as I suspect she wants it, it’ll take a five generations and ten thousand Egyptian slaves, but if I got all that, and good tools, and the time to design it, I can do it. A castle is just a structure with lots of big rocks. Give me rocks. I’ll make the structure. I’ll throw in a moat for free, those are easy. She’s so going to want a moat, with alligators in it. Then, after the ugly girl is done and clapping dust off her hands, Jo will throw her in. Typical!
I bet alligators have chilly blood.
Kien Zhao turns into tigers and attacks people in Elysium, and he hangs around on Jo’s arm. He’s like her exotic pet from the Orient that keeps nipping at people. Anyway, that’s all I need to know to stay the fuck away from him. That, plus what Warrel told me.
Hazel Connor, the seneschal. She “processed” me on the first day. I hope she didn’t noticed how queasy I got when she mentioned stuffing me in a small can. I don’t know. I’ve decided I don’t have anything to say about her, except that I totally thought she was a stuffy shirt Vicky, but it turns out she’s a Crone? I guess she’s super attached to Jo, probably vinced to the max, which explains her caring so much what happened with all the Vickies munching on each other before I got here. Oh, and she has two kids. They’ll be fun to talk to, especially Eden. She looks completely out of her element. Ryan sounds like what Warrel called a do-gooder. Ten bucks says he will hate me once he’s released, if he isn’t already, because Hazel will have told him to stay away from me.
Adrian White. What a dickhead. When he’s not sitting around waiting to agree with everything Hazel says like the lapdog Vicky he is, he’s threatening to kill me, twice, because I asked to help him in his Hound duties. He says I’m giving him attitude and pressing him. Apparently, he’s never been asked something twice. And I guess saying, ‘Wow, you’re gonna kill me for wanting to help out in the city?’ is having attitude. Dickhead. Warrel says I’m too new to try and get a job, or something, and that I shouldn’t work with this bozo. I was going to see if I could coax Jo down from her cloud-castle in the sky and ask if I could help Adrian officially, even though he refused, but at least he said he’ll give me a call if he needs something. Victory! In your face, Adrian!
FUCK I forgot to give him my number. I got shit for brains.
Madelene. Oceanography and Finance. Hearing those two subjects together still makes me giggle. Her grandpapi had a parrot! She let me sail on her boat to her garden, and talked to me about the Circle a little. She’s obviously trying to recruit me. It doesn’t sound so crazy, the way she talks about it. At least one of the important people here doesn’t hate my ugly guts. It’s strange how little she knows about us Haunts and what we can do. Do none of us come to the surface in Carcosa? Has she just been sailing too long and Haunts don’t hang out on ships? She talked about detecting my Beast as though it isn’t sitting right on my face, and she didn’t even know what Nightmaring someone means.
Warrel. He was a pleasant surprise. Haven’t had much of a chance to talk to him, but he seems level-headed, respectable, thoughtful. He’s like the Carthies in Charlotte, which is good news. He gave me the green light for the direction I was planning to go in, and a word of warning about how far to go in that direction for the time being. He said he’s a slow train and I’m a fast car. I wanted to tell him I’m not really a fast car, I’m more like a F117. Not very fast, and I have to fly high and carefully, but I’m hard to see, and I got some heavy bombs. But, whatever, a fast car, okay, I can be a fast car.
From what I’ve seen so far, I can stick with Warrel.
Kyra is another pretty pretty ginger princess, but she didn’t give me any shit, so that’s in her favor. I think she’s toying with Maxwell, but that’s just a guess from what I saw creeping around the garden. I should have stayed hidden longer! Maxwell called her a lusty little succubus, and I thought, there are non-lusty succubi?
Maxwell is an old guy, allegedly. He calls people here babies. He seems ok, but he sucks at talking back to the Big Cheeses here. Even when I informed him that he got TOLD, he didn’t snap at me. What the hell, Maxwell? We don’t need a revolution, but let’s not roll over either.
Amani’s quirky but I don’t mind that. I guess he’s a ghost pimp? According to him, he lost all his city status because he doesn’t come to Elysium, but I wonder if that’s true. To be continued.
Nathan is one of the oldest-looking Licks I’ve ever seen. Pure Ordo material, and so obviously not a Succubus. I think maybe he’ll be willing to teach me some of that psychic spider-sense, in exchange for what? He seems interested in learning how to sneak around. Too bad I’ve always been the worst teacher ever. Even the toddlers hated my finger paint teaching back in the village. They’d look at me like, “Are you sure that’s how to do it?”
I sucked so much at teaching, I confused little kids about how to finger paint. That takes real talent.
The only other person I want to talk about is Bianca. She’s kind of weird-looking, like me, and I almost told her that, but I caught myself. I thought she was a guy forever, but then she got close and, presto, she’s a girl. That’s like when people think I’m decent and they get close and, presto, I’m a troll. She’s nice, but she’s a baby. Being around her, the baby, and Maddy, who totally wants to convert me and hasn’t ever seen a Haunt before, is awkward because they stare at me like they’re trying to figure me out. Not that I mind it very much. It’s better than being stared at with pure hatred and revulsion. But it’s not the most comfortable thing in the world.
Ok, I’m tired of writing. Time to skulk around the city, learn the layout, and see if I can’t scout out some low-down, no-good punks I can befriend with my amazing personality and strapping good looks.
With any luck, I’ll happen upon a little red riding hoodlum in my deep, dark woods, and I’ll gobble him up.