Coverpage ([info]primroseport) wrote,
@ 2007-03-05 02:56:00
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Throw me a line
Try as I might, I cannot find an adequate last line for the lyric entitled Terriblisma (http://primroseport.livejournal.com/60737.html). Gentle reader, write one for me*.

Here are the last three lines:

How it almost looked like art when their city flew apart
Like a painting of a sunset on the sea
They were haiku on a page, mere catharsis on a stage
[???]

The rhyme scheme dictates that the last word should rhyme with sea. Loose or slant rhymes are acceptable. The line should follow the cadence of the "like a painting" line. It preferably should reinforce the notion of terriblisma.

* The curator--that is, me--reserves the right to refuse service to anyone for any reason.

(An immense tableau vivant of misery?)

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[info]swank106
2007-03-05 07:19 pm UTC (link)

like a victim too frozen to flee

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[info]primroseport
2007-03-05 08:19 pm UTC (link)
Thanks :)

The difficult part is fitting the line to the right meter, which in this case should either be:
duh duh DA duh, duh duh DA duh, duh duh DA
or
DA duh DA duh DA duh DA duh DA duh DA

"like a victim too frozen to flee" goes:

duh duh DA duh, duh DA duh, duh DA

Unfortunately, it won't fit. :(

But... Actually, you have given me an idea--the "frozen" part. I'm thinking, perhaps: Statues frozen in the pose of tragedy. Or... Frozen dolls in a tableau of tragedy! Hmmmm

You got me thinking...

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[info]yinshu
2007-03-05 08:28 pm UTC (link)
actually, when I read it, the cadence of the last line to me sounds like it should go,

duh duh DA duh duh duh DA duh duh duh DA.

that seems to be the cadence of the line ending in "sea", as well-
Like a PAINTing of a SUNset on the SEA.
but that may just be the way I'm reading it, and it may not be how you are hearing it in your head.

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[info]yinshu
2007-03-05 08:29 pm UTC (link)
oh, wait, i'm a dumbass, that's exactly what you said the first time.

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[info]primroseport
2007-03-05 08:31 pm UTC (link)
Haha no problem

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[info]primroseport
2007-03-05 08:30 pm UTC (link)
Yeah--isn't that what I wrote? We're both hearing it the same--disregard the commas I put in; they are just to delineate the individual feet.

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[info]yinshu
2007-03-05 08:24 pm UTC (link)
...In awe I watched them, never more to be.

...A thousand voices nevermore to be.

...A brilliant send off of society.

...Death gifted all with desperate liberty.

...Man's excess led to his own poverty.

...Tableau vivante of death and treachery.

...This land was made for you and me. (sorry, just kidding. ^_^)





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[info]primroseport
2007-03-05 08:28 pm UTC (link)
Wow, thanks. I'm particularly fond of "tableau vivante"--funny that you and I just came up with tableau almost at the same time!

I am so tempted to use the "this land is your land" line, because I'm actually a fan of Woody Guthrie! I was listening to him last night, hahaha.

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[info]primroseport
2007-03-05 08:42 pm UTC (link)
You know, I was unaware of the term tableau vivant. I knew its foreshortened version (simply "tableau"), but now that you mention it, I really want to use the word vivant. Hmm...

A tableau vivant of pain and tragedy?

a (some-THING) tableau viVANT of tragedY?

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[info]revglenn
2007-03-05 11:29 pm UTC (link)
The final note of the most grand symphony

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[info]primroseport
2007-03-05 11:32 pm UTC (link)
ohhh--that's one's good, too!

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[info]yinshu
2007-03-05 11:57 pm UTC (link)
I like the 'immense tableau vivant of misery' one. it fits well with the concept of Terriblisma, i think.
Is it horrible that this whole piece reminds me of a Gilbert & Sullivan musical? And that somehow that makes it hilarious, and even more creepy at the same time?

also, I've been meaning to ask you, what is your icon of?

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[info]primroseport
2007-03-06 12:19 am UTC (link)
hahaha that's a little horrible, yes, haha

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[info]primroseport
2007-03-06 12:40 am UTC (link)
Oh, some hoax photo that circulated around the net, purporting to be a ghost girl floating in a hospital. I digitally altered the face a bit to make her more menacing.

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[info]firekite
2007-03-06 09:15 am UTC (link)
"A blank page waiting to be set free"

(in tribute to your writer's block)

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hyades
2007-03-07 02:26 pm UTC (link)
"And with that, legions of horrid demons appeared through a rift in the sky, and devoured everyone. The End."

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[info]primroseport
2007-03-07 03:38 pm UTC (link)
now does "the end" go duh DA or DA DA?

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hyades
2007-03-08 04:12 am UTC (link)
It goes "JUN JUN JUN JUN JUN JUN JUNJUNJUNJUNJUNJUNJUN."

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